According to reliable Vatican sources, Pope Francis has abandoned previous plans to anoint Cardainal Tagle or Cardinal Schoenborn as his putative successor, and to elevate to the Cardinalate the Time Magazine laureate Greta Thonberg.

On the advice of Cardinal Giovanni Angelo Becciu, a cause for the beatification of Ms Thonberg cannot presently be admitted (on the simple grounds that she is still alive, and likely to be so for some time). So, after her triumphant speech to the College of Cardinals in Sankt Gallen, in the on-going shake-up of the Curia, she has been appointed to the newly created dicastery for Global Warming and Ice-cap Preservation.

Said a spokesperson: ‘This will be the first time since the days of Pope Joan, that a female has been made a cardinal, and the first time since the Children’s Crusade of 1212 that a young person has has such a commanding position in the history of the Catholic Church. The Holy Father is courageously following the trend; and following in the Spirit of the Amazon Synod, which basically said that ‘anything goes’

Habitabit lupus cum agno, et pardus cum haedo accubabit; vitulus, et leo, et ovis, simul morabuntur, et puer parvulus minabit eos,’ as they say.

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