Progress Report


My Dear Wormwood,

There arrived on my desk this morning a memorandum which does you nothing but credit. From time to time HIM Office of Statistics provides me with a useful summary of the progress of all our operatives.

You have clearly had a considerable success with your patient; the department itemises:

2013.  Francis said that Jesus’s multiplication of bread and fish was really a miracle of sharing, not of multiplying .

2014. The midterm report of the Extraordinary Synod on the Family recommended that pastors emphasize the “positive aspects” of cohabitation and civil remarriage after divorce.

2014. Francis told a woman in an invalid marriage that she could take Holy Communion.

2015. He claimed that lost souls do not go to hell; and said that Jesus had begged his parents for forgiveness.

2016.  He said that God had been “unjust with his son”; announced his prayer intention to build a society “that places the human person at the centre”; and declared that inequality is “the greatest evil that exists.”

2017. Was a bumper year. Francis joked that “inside the Holy Trinity they’re all arguing behind closed doors, but on the outside they give the picture of unity.”
Jesus Christ, he said, “made himself the devil.”
“No war is just,” he pronounced.
At the end of history, “everything will be saved.” he said, “Everything.”

This accelerating progress is very heartening. These direct contradictions of scripture and departures from Church teaching are what we would normally expect of a Liberal Protestant. To have achieved so much in so short a time (with a Pope for your patient) is by any standards remarkable. But do not rest on your laurels. The steepest mountain is still to climb: gender dysphoria and all that that entails

After your dazzling successes with the Anglican Communion, however, I have every confidence that you can finish the job.


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