My dear Frank,

I know that with all your problems at the moment you will have little time for our dilemmas in the cosy seclusion of the Church of England; but I am very worried, and I have honestly no one else to turn to.

The gay thing is simply getting out of hand here. We tried a holding operation – giving the two sides at least something of what they wanted. But they seem determined to slog it out to the bitter end, with all the mess that will entail.

Like all bishops, I am for a quiet life (and I genuinely don’t want to do anything which would upset Sandy); but it looks as if I am going to have to come out in favour of the LGBT crowd at some stage. If I don’t, I am terribly afraid that nobody will speak to me! Negotiation has always been my forte; but I have little or no previous experience of standing my ground.

Your answer to problems, I know, is just to say nothing. You can do that if you’re a Pope. But emollient verbiage is what is expected of Archbishops of Canterbury, and I am honestly running out of things to say.

Would gay marriage be all that bad, after all, I ask myself? How long will it take for you Catholics to come round to it – when you have sorted the divorce thing, that is? And will the Orthodox be very cross?

I desperately need your advice,

Your perplexed colleague,


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