My dear Wormwood,

You ask my advice about your patient Nichols. I have high hopes of Vincent (as he does himself). You should certainly try to get him a dicastery  – and a new creation dedicated to the Family would be entirely suitable.

You ask what I can do to help; and you have certainly come to the right man. To name-drop would be vulgar, but I can assure you that I have not inconsiderable influence in the Vatican.

At  the moment, as you say, we need to do everything we can to destabalise marriage and undermine Catholic family life. The ultimate aim, of course, is a significant  decrease in fertility (which is the only certain way to weaken the enemy’s influence – and we have a long way to go in the Global South).

But this cannot be achieved by contraception alone. You, my dear Wormwood, have done sterling work in paganising Catholic schools (or ‘secularising’ them, as we must learn to call it). But the real target is the family – and there instability is the key.

Perhaps the best attested saying of the Enemy in the whole of his ‘Gospel’ is his condemnation of divorce and remarriage. The trick is, because He is so definitive, to make Him seem unreasonable. Show that this is the reverse of ‘Good News’, and that there is a viable ‘catholic’ alternative.

And that is precisely the case in which Vincent is your man!

Think, my dear Wormwood, of the fruits of success! If we can get the Catholic Church to abandon something so clearly close to the Enemy’s heart, almost anything is within our grasp. Within a generation even the hated slogan ‘Love your enemies’ might be erased from the memory of mankind.

Getting Vincent a new job is but a small step. But from little acorns…

Your devoted uncle,

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