The following has surfaced on the internet, attributed to one Fr Giuseppe (not otherwise named). It relates to the Papal response to the so-called ‘Letter of Thirteen Cardinals’:

Greetings! The incident certainly appears to be true. I have heard from several second-hand sources who know people who were present that the Holy Father had a terrible outburst in the dining room at Santa Marta in front of bishops, priests, seminarians and many others. He was apparently screaming “Full power has been given to me! I run the show around here. Who do these cardinals think they are? I will remove their [red] hats.” He was so angry that he almost fainted; some say he almost had a heart attack. People were shocked, and the news spread like wildfire in certain circles in Rome.

Finkelstein, Goldberg and Rubenstein,
Wipplingerstrasse 38
Wien 1010

Your Holiness,

I write to you, with the encouragement of the Archbishop of Canterbury, to introduce myself and to offer my services.

Justin tells me that you are having problems with stress and anger management. This – I am sure he would not mind my saying so – was a serious problem with the Primates of the Anglican Communion. It is, in fact, quite common among people who feel themselves burdened with the responsibility of upholding an entrenched position or dealing with intransigent colleagues.

Do not feel guilty: it is not your fault! Techniques we have developed at our clinic here can help you and restore your normal tranquillity and equilibrium. It is true that your problem – as the world’s only infallible man – is unique. But I am confident that procedures tested over many years can resolve even this predicament.

I am happy, with colleagues, to fly to Rome almost immediately and begin treatment. In the meantime I recommend at least four hours a day in a darkened room and NO Extraordinary Synods.

I am taking the liberty of sending you our schedule of charges. We do not come cheap; but as Justin will tell you, we have a remarkable success rate.

Yours faithfully,
Rachel Finkelstein

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