In recent reports a team of investigative journalists on The Radio Times claims to have discovered that Cardinal Vincent Nichols has not watched ‘Coronation Street’ since 1990. ‘That’s twenty-five years!’ claimed an astonished reporter on The Daily Mail.

Spokespeople from the Ecclestone Square bunker moved swiftly into damage limitation mode, stressing the demotic nature of all the Cardinal’s interests, from football to saveloy and chips. Rumours that he had never traveled on the underground, said a staff member, were ‘wholly exaggerated’.

He denied claims in The Daily Telegraph that Cardinal Nichols had entered the Circle Line and had had to be rescued at Embankment by a member of the public after several hours of confused wandering .