In an exciting development it was announced today from the Sacred Congregation for Divine Worship that a new translation of the Mass is being prepared exclusively for use in the United Kingdom.  The new translation will include parts of the Mass in no less than twenty-seven different languages to accord with the multi-lingual, multi-cultural make-up of British society.

Said a spokesman for Cardinal Robert Sabah, prefect of the Congregation (who has experience of multi-lingual worship in his native Guinea): ‘The most recent translation into English was an attempt to give dignity and literary integrity to the text. It has worked well in some parts of the world. But Great Britain is different.  There English is no longer the lingua franca that is in other places. We are doing something radical here. There will be different parts of the Mass in an option of different languages; the Eucharistic Prayer will alternate between Polish and Swahili.’


Music for the new translation will be excitingly varied and it is expected that dancing will play an important part.  ‘We also hope’, the spokesman went on, ‘that traditional elements of British Catholic liturgy – repetitive worship songs written by Irish nuns, for example – will give a sense of continuity.’

The new Mass is expected to be introduced in the early part of 2018 with a special celebration at St James, Spanish Place, presided over by Cardinal Vincent Nichols. The homily will be danced by Cardinal Murphy O’Connor (DV). 

Opponents have already called the new translation the ‘Missa  Macaronica’. Said Damian Thompson, the well-known columnist and scourge: ‘What else would you expect from this load of ******s’

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